Wow. I have been getting a TON of positive emails about the first Clooney of the Week (With Mike Blais). Well, I mean, I ASSUME they’re positive. I haven’t actually read any of them because, I mean, come on. I’m a busy man. I’ve got conference calls to make, big-box electronics retailers to defraud, and most importantly, George Clooneys to hang out with. Well, just the one George Clooney really, but I had to stick the S on at the end there. It’s a little rule of professional writing called parallelism. Go look it up. Learn something for a change. I’ll wait.
God. Thinking about that’s made me realize, there probably IS another George Clooney out there, isn’t there? Well, let me rephrase, because we all know that there can only ever be one of The Cloon. But there’s probably some asshole out in North Dakota or some shit that has the same name as George Clooney. Jesus, how awful would that be? To have this constant reminder that you’re just a worthless shitty version of a guy who’s super-handsome, stars in a ton of movies, is rich as shit, and on top of all that gets to hang out with Mike Blais on like, a daily basis. Your inferiority is tied right into your identity. You go to sign a check at a bank and all you can think is, Fuck, there’s a guy out there with my exact name except he’s awesome and I’m human waste. That must be awful.
Oh wow. What if… what if there’s a guy named Mike Blais out there? Besides me, Mike Blais, I mean. I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that. I mean, of course I feel bad for the guy because, like the Clooney example laid out above, it’s basically impossible for him to ever feel good about himself. But even beyond that, I’m really not sure I like the idea that there’s some chucklehead out there running around with my name. He’s dragging down its worth, you know? It’s like, you wouldn’t name a kid God because that sort of cheapens the whole concept of God, you know? Same idea applies here. This other Mike Blais asshole is being a loser, and he’s doing it in my name. This guy failing to live up to me just hurts us both. I should look up any other Mike Blaises that might be out there and try and get them to change their name. It would probably be the best for all parties involved.
Anyway, we’re getting off-subject here. You came here for the Clooney pic. Here it is:
Dammit George! You KNOW I’m scared that my friends are secretly vampires! Why’d you have to go and dress up like one?! Well you’ll have to get your blood somewhere else because I’m never inviting you into my house again!
…Ahhhhh you know I’m just kidding with you Cloonentire! Come on by later and we’ll watch a marathon session of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.