Category Archives: Clooney

Clooney of the Week (With Mike Blais) #2

Wow. I have been getting a TON of positive emails about the first Clooney of the Week (With Mike Blais). Well, I mean, I ASSUME they’re positive. I haven’t actually read any of them because, I mean, come on. I’m a busy man. I’ve got conference calls to make, big-box electronics retailers to defraud, and most importantly, George Clooneys to hang out with. Well, just the one George Clooney really, but I had to stick the S on at the end there. It’s a little  rule of professional writing called parallelism. Go look it up. Learn something for a change. I’ll wait.

God. Thinking about that’s made me realize, there probably IS another George Clooney out there, isn’t there? Well, let me rephrase, because we all know that there can only ever be one of The Cloon. But there’s probably some asshole out in North Dakota or some shit that has the same name as George Clooney. Jesus, how awful would that be? To have this constant reminder that you’re just a worthless shitty version of a guy who’s super-handsome, stars in a ton of movies, is rich as shit, and on top of all that gets to hang out with Mike Blais on like, a daily basis. Your inferiority is tied right into your identity. You go to sign a check at a bank and all you can think isFuck, there’s a guy out there with my exact name except he’s awesome and I’m human waste. That must be awful.

Oh wow. What if… what if there’s a guy named Mike Blais out there? Besides me, Mike Blais, I mean. I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that. I mean, of course I feel bad for the guy because, like the Clooney example laid out above, it’s basically impossible for him to ever feel good about himself. But even beyond that, I’m really not sure I like the idea that there’s some chucklehead out there running around with my name. He’s dragging down its worth, you know? It’s like, you wouldn’t name a kid God because that sort of cheapens the whole concept of God, you know? Same idea applies here. This other Mike Blais asshole is being a loser, and he’s doing it in my name. This guy failing to live up to me just hurts us both. I should look up any other Mike Blaises that might be out there and try and get them to change their name. It would probably be the best for all parties involved.

Anyway, we’re getting off-subject here. You came here for the Clooney pic. Here it is:

Dammit George! You KNOW I’m scared that my friends are secretly vampires! Why’d you have to go and dress up like one?! Well you’ll have to get your blood somewhere else because I’m never inviting you into my house again!

…Ahhhhh you know I’m just kidding with you Cloonentire! Come on by later and we’ll watch a marathon session of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.


Clooney of the Week (With Mike Blais)

Okay, let’s level here for a second.

Everyone loves George Clooney. He’s mankind’s third greatest treasure, right behind Will Smith and me, Mike Blais.

The sad thing is though, not a whole lot of people get to hang out with him on a regular basis (or “Blaisis,” if you will). Not a whole lot of people deserve to hang out with him, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m not here to point fingers.

What I AM here to do is share the wealth. Me and George spend a lot of time together, and moreover, we take a lot of photos together.  Until now, I’ve just been mailing these pictures to the kids in middle school that used to beat me up. Show them that just because they made me piss myself in front of the whole student body, they weren’t able to keep me from becoming incredibly successful and incredibly friends with George Clooney, you know? But then it occurred to me that I can use these pictures in a way that’s a little more magnanimous of me, Mike Blais.

My hope here is that you can look at these pictures, see me and The Cloonester (as I like to call him) hanging out and having fun together, and maybe it’ll make your own sad little life seem a little less bleak. Once a week, for just a few seconds, you can forget about how you’re going to die alone and unloved, and just enjoy a photo of two wildly rich and successful men having a good time together. Maybe even imagine yourself there with us, just out of frame because we didn’t want your stupid ugly face ruining the picture. I really want to make a difference in the world, and George probably does too. I’ll ask him the next time we hang out, which is pretty much every day.

So, without further adieu, here’s the first Clooney of the Week (With Mike Blais):

This is a pic of me and George getting ready to head off to McDonald’s for some chicken nugs. George thinks I’m nuts for liking their barbecue dipping sauce, but HE gets ’em with sweet ‘n sour! Haha, you crack me up, Cloonenheimer (that is another pet name that I, Mike Blais, have for George Clooney. I have a lot of them because we are such good friends).